Clinician or Parent? Two BCBAs' Wins and Misses From a Family Camping Trip

We recorded this one live from a campfire.

The kids were (we think) asleep in the camper. It was our two-year-old’s first night in a big-girl bed, and she went down way easier than we expected. After a full day in the sun, the motivating operations for that bed were very high.

So we sat by the fire and tried something new: each of us shared one parenting win and one parenting miss from the week. Being a BCBA doesn’t make you a perfect parent. Sometimes it makes it harder to know which hat you’re wearing.

The hardest part: knowing which hat you’re wearing

We tell parents all the time that they need to be a parent first. Parenting can’t all be clinical. You have to enjoy it.

It’s much easier to say that than to do it. When you know the science, it’s hard to turn it off at the dinner table.

Jordan’s “on the fence” moment: the s’mores standoff

Our oldest loves snacks. She’ll graze all day long, then decide dinner isn’t for her.

On a camping trip, though, food is precious. You don’t pack extra. So when she announced she didn’t want dinner but did want s’mores, Jordan said: you’ll have to eat all this first.

That’s a classic first-then rule. Behavior analysts call it the Premack principle, after psychologist David Premack. In 1959 he showed that a more preferred activity can reinforce a less preferred one. Grandmas have used it forever: vegetables first, then dessert.

The problem wasn’t the science. It was the timing. As soon as he said it, Jordan knew he’d been a clinician in that moment, not a dad on vacation. But he also knew that backing down would make dinnertime harder later. Once you set a contingency, you follow through.

Then she ate a green bean, spit it into her hand, and Jordan told her to put it back in her mouth.

Melina stepped in. Since there were plenty of other green beans, why not just swap in a fresh one? The point still gets made, without eating already-chewed food. (The new one was bigger, too. And it had no barbecue sauce. Win.)

She ate all her vegetables. She got her s’mores. Jordan is still deciding whether to score it a win or a miss. We’ll let you be the judge.

Jordan’s win: shaping at the beach

We were camping near the beach during a high wave advisory, and the big waves scared our oldest.

Jordan grew up in Australia and has a healthy respect for the ocean. But he doesn’t want his daughters to be afraid of it. So he used shaping.

He drew a circle in the sand at a distance she felt safe. That was her spot to watch the water. Once she was comfortable there, she moved closer in his arms. Then she got down. Eventually, she was touching the water, even with the big waves rolling in.

Shaping means reinforcing small steps toward a bigger goal. Kids don’t go from terrified to splashing in one leap. They get there one small, safe step at a time.

Melina’s miss: losing patience past bedtime

Melina’s miss is one a lot of parents will recognize.

The night before, everyone was exhausted. It was well past both girls’ bedtimes, and the routine was off because we were somewhere new. She got short with them. Not yelling or cursing, but the kind of “What are you doing? Why are you doing that?” tone that you feel bad about later.

Her honest reflection: it’s embarrassing to lose your cool with a four-year-old and a two-year-old, especially when you help families with this for a living.

Our two-year-old is strong-willed. She’s going to be somebody’s boss one day. When she gets upset, she lets the whole campground know. That loudness makes Melina uncomfortable, and it can send her into panic mode instead of helping mode.

What she wants to do instead is pause, help her daughter calm down and regulate, and then teach coping skills once everyone is calm. She’s working on it.

What we want other parents to know

You’re allowed to be a parent first. Knowing the science doesn’t mean every moment needs to be a teaching moment.

If you set a contingency, follow through. Be thoughtful before you say it, because you’ll need to stick with it.

Use small steps for big fears. Shaping works for water, dogs, haircuts, and new foods.

Bedtime meltdowns are often about exhaustion, not defiance. That goes for the kids and the parents.

Repair matters more than perfection. Every parent has short moments. What counts is what you do next.

Key takeaways

1. Even BCBAs struggle to switch from clinician mode to parent mode.
2. First-then rules work, but think before you set one, because you’ll need to follow through.
3. Shaping helps kids face fears one small step at a time.
4. Tired kids and tired parents make for hard nights. Plan for it, and repair afterward.

Listen to the full campfire episode of The BC(BAes) Podcast.

References

• Premack, D. (1959). Toward empirical behavior laws: I. Positive reinforcement. Psychological Review, 66(4), 219–233. https://doi.org/10.1037/h0040891