Skip the Lecture: How We're Teaching Our Kids Gratitude

It started with a packed lunch.

Our four-year-old wanted a lunch from home instead of the lunch at preschool. It was a small thing. But in that moment, it felt like I want this, I want that had become the theme of the week.

We try hard to give our girls a good life. They’ve traveled, gotten to visit family in Australia, and tried all kinds of foods. Not because we’re rolling in money, just because that’s how our life and family work. So when the entitlement showed up, it got under Melina’s skin.

The lecture that almost happened

Melina could feel it coming. You need to be thankful. When I was your age, we didn’t have…

You know the speech. Every parent has one. (Melina grew up in Southern California, so walking three miles to school in the snow wasn’t going to be very convincing anyway.)

Then she stopped. She realized that to a four-year-old, that lecture sounds like the teacher in Charlie Brown: wah, wah, wah. It wouldn’t teach anything. It would just make both of them feel worse.

So she asked herself the question we ask in clinic: instead of telling her what not to do, what do I want her to do instead?

The gratitude car ride

That morning, instead of music on the drive to school, we played a game: what are you thankful for?

It started slow. Lots of “I don’t know.” So Melina modeled it. She shared that she was thankful for family. She was thankful for having a car, because when she was little, sometimes they had to walk. She was thankful that Mommy and Daddy get to work together on helping the girls grow.

Then it took off. Our oldest named music, family, her grandparents, our pets, our home. Our two-year-old wanted in too. When Melina said she was thankful for oranges, the two-year-old said no. Tangerines, then. Our oldest decided they were thankful for tambourines.

The sweetest part? Almost nothing on our daughter’s list was stuff we’d bought. It was people, places, and moments.

It turned into a good exercise for everyone in the car, Melina included.

Why this works better than a lecture

Behavior analysts talk a lot about replacement behaviors. When a child does something we don’t want, we teach them what to do instead. Just saying “stop” doesn’t give them a new skill.

The gratitude game does three things a lecture can’t:

1. It models the skill. Kids learn what gratitude sounds like by hearing you do it first.
2. It gives them practice. They get lots of chances to say what they’re thankful for.
3. It feels good. Laughing about tambourines in the car is far more reinforcing than a speech. When something feels good, kids want to do it again.

As Jordan said at the campfire, the world can be pretty negative. Noticing the things that actually reinforce us throughout our day is good for kids and for grown-ups.

Jordan’s version: daily affirmations

Jordan has his own routine with the girls. Every day, they say four affirmations together. These are short statements he hopes will become pillars for them as they grow into independent people.

The best part is our two-year-old, who adds a loud “Forever!” at the end.

Affirmations work the same way as the gratitude game. They’re short, repeated, modeled by a parent, and tied to a warm moment together. Over time, those words become part of how kids talk about themselves.

Try it at home

Pick a routine moment. The car ride, bath time, or dinner all work. Attaching it to something you already do makes it easier to remember.

Go first. Model a few answers, and keep them simple and specific.

Accept silly answers. Tambourines count. The goal is practice, not perfection.

Notice the good stuff. When your child names a person or a moment instead of a toy, point it out warmly.

Keep it short. Two or three minutes is plenty for little kids.

Key takeaways

1. Lectures rarely teach young kids new skills.
2. Ask what you want your child to do instead, then teach that.
3. A gratitude game gives kids a model, practice, and a good feeling.
4. Daily affirmations build the same habit through repetition and connection.
5. Parents benefit from these routines too.

Listen to the full campfire episode of The BC(BAes) Podcast.